Sunday, April 22, 2012

Today I was a coward

Today I was a coward. I had to park my car blocks from my house due to the Earth Day celebration in Balboa Park. As I was walking to my house I saw a large crow across the street from me. I've always been afraid of birds, something about them has always terrified me. Over the last year I have been working hard to get over my fear, I've even held one!
But today was different, I just didn't want to cross the street to be near the crow. Suddenly there was a commotion with the crow. I saw the crow grab a baby dove and start attacking the poor creature. I stood there scared, terrified, and feeling helpless; all the while I was shouting in my head, "Faith run towards the crow and shew it away. Save that dove!"
I couldn't do it. I was frozen. Eventually the poor dove fell to it's death, so I thought. And the crow began to fly away. I couldn't believe it, the crow simply wanted to kill this baby dove, he didn't want to eat this baby dove. He just wanted to destroy it's precious life.
Then suddenly as if a miracle had happened, the baby dove perched up and started to scurry away from the scene. It had played dead to escape the evil clutches of the crow. As the crow was flying off, it turned back to notice the baby dove and just like that, swooped down and attacked the bird. I heard the poor bird cry until it was dead. It laid motionless on the street, with me just staring at the massacre, doing nothing.
I feel so ashamed of myself today. Why didn't I show more courage and save that beautiful and innocent dove? How could I let fear paralyze me? I feel just terrible. For someone who deeply loves animals, to be a witness of one suffering and dying and me doing NOTHING to stop it, I just feel like a huge failure.
I cried for hours and now I'm having such a hard time going to sleep. I keep seeing the crow attacking the dove and I can hear the dove crying for life. Tomorrow me and David are going to cut roses from our garden and lay them next to the dove. I wish I had saved that sweet and gentle bird. I, at the very least, want some universal being to know that I valued that dove's life and I will use this as a lesson to act to protect the weak, no matter how scared I am.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

What am I going to be when I grow up?

Being almost 32 years old and still contemplating what I want to be when I grow up is pretty scary. By all accounts I already am grown up, so shouldn't I already be settled into my career?
It's not that I am lazy, or uneducated, or even a bad employee. It's simply that I haven't figured out my purpose yet. I can't accept that life is about waking up, working a job, and going home. Shouldn't my life be about working a career that I am passionate about? Something that I can't wait to sink my teeth into, something that makes me feel like I am making a difference, something that doesn't feel like work.
At what point do we compromise our happiness for our careers? Is life really about how much money we make?  I suppose it depends on what we value that dictates our life's work. I value relationships with people and animals. Now I just need to find a way to make money at it...
I suppose I can make a list of my strengths and then build off of that. So here goes nothing, here are my strengths:

1. Highly ethical
2. Trustworthy
3. Love learning about people
4. Easy to talk to
5. Warm personality
6. Kind
7. Honest
8. Empathetic
9. Work well under pressure
10. Excellent at budgeting
11. Supportive

In reviewing my list, I make an incredible friend, companion, and over all human-being. Still, it leaves me with the question, "What am I going to be when I grow up?" How do I put my strengths as being a truly good person into practice as a paid career? *Sigh* Any suggestions?

Monday, June 20, 2011

Sources of Energy...

“June 20: Traveling Spiritually. I  heard a friend say, ‘I’ve challenged her spiritually,’ and wondered what that felt like. I am much more comfortable staying put spiritually. If I allowed myself to travel, where might I go? I believe it involves the ability to put comfort aside, and boldly investigate new spiritual territory. Spiritual travel has many routes…” - From SARK's "Living Juicy: Daily Morsels for Your Creative Soul"

My Fellow Sources of Energy,

For me, I couldn’t relate more with SARK on this one. I have to set aside my comfort anytime I think about spirituality. Mostly because I have come to the realization that I no longer believe in any religion. I no longer believe in any one God. In fact, the whole idea of God makes me uncomfortable. How are we to even begin to understand what God is, and why are we so important to think that He (like he is a man) takes the form of a person. About a year ago I decided that I no longer believed in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Personal Savior. It's hard to admit that to people that do believe. I don't want to step on their toes and I don't want people I highly respect to think less of me either.
I think we are all energy sources that transfer from plane to plane. Our energy source never fades away, that light inside of us continues to shine brightly - in another universe, another existence, another place for us to connect with other lights and learn and grow from one another (I even think our energy sources continue to connect with those that haven't moved to the next plane - have you ever felt some kind of connection to something other than what is physically here - I have). My greatest hope is that all of our lights will continue to connect with each other, moving forward to a greater place of peace.
Where do you spiritually travel to?

Love, Faith

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Fantastically FLAWED!

I was driving to work this morning and feeling pretty bad about myself. Yes, even I have moments of negativity and times of discouragement. I lite up a cigarette and thought in my head, "There you go Faith, you swore off smoking, and once again you weren't able to commit to something as simple as keeping yourself healthy." Suddenly I thought of all the other things I haven't been doing: Yoga, walking my dogs regularly, making time for my girlfriends, calling my sister back, eating better...Gosh, the list goes on and on.
Then like someone had banged me over the top of my head with a fry pan, I realized - I AM NOT PERFECT!!! We all have times in our life that we don't accomplish everything we set out to do. Instead of beating ourselves up, we need to understand that sometimes we need to step away from our perfectly planned goals, and accept the fact that we can't always get the things on our list done.
Perhaps the reason we can't get our list finished is because we have overstretched ourselves and and it's time to say, "Listen up body and mind, I need to slow down. I'm not going to be able to follow today's 'to-do' list."
Besides, life isn't about a to-do list. Life is about our personal relationships with our friends, our family, our animals, our planet. Maybe the reason we aren't able to accomplish our 'list' is because we have managed to neglect our personal relationships that the list simply can't get done. What a vicious cycle to then beat ourself up for it.
Take a moment to accept your flaws, in fact embrace them - that's what makes you YOU. Reflect on your to-do list - if you are not accomplishing what's on the list, you aren't the one that needs to change - it's your list that needs to change!
Go nurture yourself, the people, and animals that you love. In the meantime, I'm going to have a guilt free cigarette and know in my heart that I will quit one day. Just not today, because I am FANTASTICALLY FLAWED!

Monday, April 18, 2011

Positively Positive

I want to always be surrounded by positive energy. Positivity fills my soul and lifts my feet off of the earth. It sends me sky high and fills me with nothing but love, peace, and tranquility.
I don't understand people that relish in negativity. Is their negativity driven by insecurity? Is it driven by fear? Why would anyone want to bask in the darkness of negative energy?
I know that life isn't easy, but if you focus your attention on the things in life that fill you up, living in the positive is a very real possibility. There will be people that want to take that from you and knock you down by telling you mean and hurtful things to make you feel small. But you must rely on your inner self to shut them down and fill yourself with even more love, compassion, and warmth.
Give yourself a hug and tell yourself how special you are. YOU ARE LOVED DEEPLY!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Comfortable At Last!

For so many years I have attempted to behave in a manner that seemed appropriate to fit in with whatever crowd I was surrounded by. It always seemed like I was saying, dressing, and acting the way the people wanted me to speak, look, and behave to make THEM feel comfortable.
Then, magically, something happened. I decided to just live my own damn life - no holds barred, no questions asked. Wear what I want. Say what I want. Do what I want. Overnight I was comfortable in my own skin - something I had never really felt before. I felt empowered by myself - this new ability to tune out what the world expected from me and just rely on what my heart told me to do.
My heart tells me to be kind to everyone around me, person and animal alike. My heart tells me its OK to wear costumes, dance in public, sing out loud, twirl in a circle for no good reason (if you haven't twirled, you really should give it a try - it will certainly bring a smile to you face), and love myself. It feels incredible to know that I will always be loved by me. I am an incredible woman, with plenty of fabulous flaws that are entirely relatable. I am just the woman I have always wanted to be - free to express myself and open to all the possibilities this wonderful life brings my way.
It's feels good to be comfortable in my own skin - with all my strange ways and thoughts and ideals, that's what makes me so terribly special.

Friday, March 18, 2011

And the Diagnosis is...

I have this incredibly annoying quality about me where I feel like I can control people's health. It's utterly absurd, I'm not a doctor, but I still feel compelled to drive my loved ones nuts with diagnosing them. I am constantly looking my loved ones over to find a medical ailment that I can correct them on - can you even imagine how annoying that is?!
I have managed to diagnose cancer, deadly staff infections, ovarian cysts, skin cancer, heart disease, high blood pressure, and alcoholism. Not to mention the endless diseases I have magically diagnosed my dogs with (Wobblers disease, tumors, broken legs, hip dysplasia, etc...). None of have been confirmed.
When I notice it getting worse, I take a moment for myself - this consists of taking a long deep breath, and saying "Tomorrow is never promised, just enjoy today". For some reason, this calms my mind from the deadly diseases I feel plague my darling loved ones. 
I think there is something to be said for acknowledging that tomorrow is never promised. Wouldn't we forgive easier and love deeper if we thought today would be our last? I think if we remember how precious life is, and how truly short it is on a regular basis, we can just allow ourselves to live without fear and shame.
Maybe my diagnosis's come from a place of love, but I would rather practice that love by living exuberantly, instead of waiting for the day that someone dies or trying to prevent it from happening.
So take a deep breath with me. *SIGH* "TOMORROW IS NEVER PROMISED, JUST ENJOY TODAY" And remember how wonderful your surroundings are and how brilliant the people in your life are. Smile and go live your life!